If there were no heaven, I think I’d eat a lot more cheetos.

Sometimes instead of saying “Hello,� don’t you just feel like saying “I’m Batman.�

One of these days, I’m finally going to track down that bastard who keeps taking an hour away from me in the spring.

One time I thought an empty billboard was selling the color white. So I called the number at the bottom of the billboard and asked, “Is this the white store?� and the guy said, “Excuse me, that’s Caucasian store.� I didn’t even know that was a color.

When you’re being interrogated by the cops, do you ever wonder if there’s another cop behind the two-way mirror making faces at you because you can’t see him. Someday I’ll find you officer goofy-face.

Geez, somebody got their face sucked off by the ugly fish.

The big red fluffy chair looked much like a big red fluffy chair. From hell!!

Why is it that when you use the bathroom, the toilet’s already full of water. Seems like a big waste. I’ll bet that water could be better used somewhere else. Like water factories.

You know what they say “If life hands you lemons, tell life to go fuck itself.”