Well, Austin Powers is back to scrape up as many jokes about sex and when necessary, repeat jokes from the other movies. The first 5 or 6 minutes of the movie is good, when they have Tom Cruise as Austin Powers, Gwenyth Paltrow as Dixie Normous, Kevin Spacey as Dr. Evil, and Danny Devito as Mini-me. That’s funny. That’s great. Let’s build on that, but nope, that was almost the only funny joke in the entire movie. The shock value of watching Austin sitting with Spielberg, then suddenly Spielberg gets up and does a couple ground flips during the opening credits is almost funny enough to recommend this movie, but alas it is not.

I’m not going to go into much depth, because really the whole movie is a bunch of repeat jokes and non-witty sexual jokes, that add up to one big pile of poo. Yeah baby. The story starts off with Dr. Evil planning another big world take over scheme from his secret Hollywood lair, but Austin busts him real quick, and he gets sent to prison. However, someone else starts messing around and turning everyone’s penis gold, who could it be? It’s Mike Myers playing yet another character in his own movie, and this is the worst one yet. With some sort of strange dutch accent and a lot of poorly done, unfunny jokes, it’s Goldmember (we have a title). This is by far Mike Myers’ worst character yet. Just scraping the bottom of the barrel for a funny accent and more penis jokes. So the character that’s new and is supposed to bring something fresh to the project is the worst yet. Woo-wee. But I digress. So Austin seeks help from Dr. Evil, who is in prison, in a quasi-chuckleable Silence of the Lambs mock, but soon Dr. Evil breaks out and joins in a submarine lair that is shaped like his body (and he has antennaes come out from his butt, and gas, ha ha, that’s funny). Meanwhile, Goldmember kidnaps Austin’s dad, played by Michael Caine (who is actually pretty funny), and after tons more bad jokes and a slight change on the same stupid plot you saw in the last Austin Powers movie, they end up leading to the end scene, where Dr. Evil and Austin face each other. Only this time, Nigel Powers is in the room too, and he professes that Dr. Evil is in fact his son too, so Austin and Dr. Evil are brothers. But Scott, Dr. Evil’s test-tube son, is mad because him and his father were finally getting close. So he runs off and is scene later saying “I’ll get you Austin Powers.” Do I smell another movie?

So the movie is bad, real bad. Don’t waste your time, unless you rent it, only to watch the first five minutes, which are actually quite funny. But all the stale pauses where there was supposed to be a laugh are almost painful. So if you’re the kind of person who walks down the road, sees a terd lying on the ground, and starts to laugh, this is the movie for you. Otherwise, stay away. Far far away.