I’m trying to quit smoking right now, and those of you who have quit or at least quit something equal in habit level may relto my feelings. First of all, smoking is such a strange habit in the first place. You don’t really think about it, but the process involves lighting something on fire, inhaling the smoke it gives off, and then exhaling that same smoke, leaving a slight residue within your lungs. You don’t really consume them, you just sort of breathe them for a little bit. Who invented this? Who thought when they were plowing the field “Hey, I bet if I chopped this one plant up, rolled it up in a piece of paper, stuffed a little piece of styrofoam in one end, pretended like it was good for you, gave it a catchy mascot, and pushed it on kids, I’ll get rich!”

The only thing more absurd than the habit itself is the thoughts you have when trying to quit. I literally feel like I miss an old friend of mine. I think “Remember the times we used to have. That one time I tried to throw you out the car window and you ricocheted off the top of the door and landed in my lap and almost got me into an accident. Or the time I got pulled over by that cop for flicking you out the window. Or the time I tried to put you out on the side of building but ended up setting that drag queen’s wig on fire. Oh man, I remember that.” Okay, that might be a little ridiculous, but I do feel like my day is just empty now because I have to find someone else to hang out with instead of cigarettes. I haven’t felt any physical cravings really, in fact I feel a lot better physically without them (weird huh?), but I’m so mentally or habitually addicted that I miss my friend.

I’m trying to replace cigarettes with something else, but have so far been unsuccessful. I’ve tried drinking a lot of tea, but that’s just not cutting it, and for some reason employers just aren’t as apt to let you have a “book break” instead of a smoke break. Maybe if I rolled up the tea bag and smoked it.